Problem Solving In Marriage/Relationship

 

No matter the level of your misunderstanding with your partner,

Never use the word DIVORCE in quarrels.

“I will divorce you ”

“I regret marrying you”

“It’s a great mistake having you as a partner.”

“I regret the day I met you.”

All this statement above please Stop It.

Divorce

In legal terms, the reasons for divorce are called “Grounds”

There are three grounds for divorce: 

(1) Living apart for at least one year

(2) Adultery (cheating)

(3) Physical or Mental cruelty.

Spouses don’t have to be legally separated before filing for divorce.

Whatsoever you say during a misunderstanding will remain forever in the brain’s memory of your partner.

Man can only forgive but can never forget your words (Take note of this).

Every mature man and woman who is ready for marriage or who is already in marriage must learn how to control his/her emotions and anger during quarrels.

If you can not control your tongue when you are annoyed, you are not mature yet for marriage or a relationship.

If you want to solve the problem, have a “forgiving attitude and spirit”.

Forgiveness is very essential for the survival of the marriage.

Forgiveness:

Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness…

Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing offenses.

Here are the four steps to forgiveness:

(1) Uncover your anger.

(2) Decide to forgive.

(3) Work on forgiveness.

(4) Release from the emotional prison

Forgiving Spirit

And

Forgiving attitude.

FORGIVING SPIRIT

How can I develop a forgiving spirit?

• Have a Forgiving Heart.

• Receiving God’s forgiveness and sharing it with others

When you’ve been wronged, becoming bitter toward your offender feels like a way to get revenge. However, this response actually harms you more than it harms your offender because to be bitter is to be in bondage to hatred and wrath. You will experience the destructive consequences of bitterness until you choose to walk in the freedom of forgiveness.

It is not easy to forgive, but God makes it possible through the gift of His grace. (See Hebrews 12:15.)

An understanding of the following foundational truths can help you respond to an offense with a forgiving heart.

Consider how much God has forgiven you.

Jesus spoke of a servant who owed a great deal of money to his master. The servant had no hope of repaying the debt, and his master mercifully released him from it. Later that very servant refused to be merciful to someone who owed him a small amount of money. Because of the servant’s choice to not forgive the one who owed him a small debt, the master reinstated the servant’s original debt and punished him severely.

(See Matthew 18:21–35.)

Men and women tend to act like unforgiving servant. We hold onto grudges against one another and ignore, downplay, or excuse the magnitude of our debt of sin against God.

Receiving God’s mercy should motivate you to forgive others.

(See Luke 7:40–50.)

Truly, any wrong that is done to you falls short of the punishment you deserve because of how deeply your sin has offended God. Forgiveness extends to others the same mercy that God showed you when He forgave the debt of sin you could not pay.

Realize that God is working through the actions of your offender.

Many individuals in Scripture recognized that their offenders were instruments in God’s hand as God worked to accomplish His purposes in their lives. This understanding helped them forgive their enemies and seek God’s redemption in painful situations.

(See Genesis 50:20, Job 1:21, and II Samuel 16:5–13.)

If you focus on your offender and the offense, you will have a hard time avoiding bitterness. However, when you view the offense as something God can use for good in your life (to develop your personal character, to open new opportunities, etc.), the significance of both the offender and the offense is greatly diminished, and your response to the offense becomes the major concern.

Jesus Christ is the greatest example of One Who forgave freely. In the midst of His suffering, He was not bitter toward those who beat Him and nailed Him to the cross. Jesus knew they were carrying out the purpose of God for His life, and He prayed, “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34).

He chose to love instead of hate. He chose to trust and obey His Father rather than take vengeance on His enemies.

When we are offended, we should respond in faith, thanking God for the good purposes He will accomplish through the experience. “In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you” (I Thessalonians 5:18).

Recognize the difference between forgiveness and pardon.

Forgiveness and pardon are separate issues. Forgiveness is a personal decision to release an offender from your condemnation. A pardon is a release from the legal penalties of an offense. You can forgive an offender and no longer hate him or wish him harm, but you cannot pardon him unless you have the authority to do so.

For example, if a man killed someone in your family, you could forgive him and want to help him come to repentance, but you could not pardon him. He would still be guilty before God and before the law and would be held responsible for his actions.

In a similar fashion, unless you are in a place of authority, it is not your responsibility to dole out consequences for wrong actions. You can trust God to be just in every situation. “Recompense to no man evil for evil. . . . Avenge not yourselves . . . for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord” (Romans 12:17–19).

God works through authority structures (family, church, employment, and government), life circumstances, and final judgment at the end of time to bring justice to offenders. (See Matthew 18:6–7.)

Voluntarily invest in the life of your offender.

In appropriate instances, an important aspect of forgiveness can be the ability to invest in the life of your offender. Jesus said, “Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also” (Matthew 6:21).

When you willingly give to an offender, God can supernaturally give you sincere love toward him.

Ask God how He wants you to demonstrate His love to your offender. You should be able to invest in his life through prayer, words of affirmation, acts of service, or material gifts. “If thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirsts, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head. Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:20–21).

Whether the offense was intentional or not, forgiveness enables you to have a greater concern for a person after he offends you than you had before he/she offended you. It opens your heart to cooperating with God’s work in his life, and your sincere love for him allows you to minister to him and help him mature.

Understand that suffering is part of the Christian life.

Scripture states, “For unto you it is given in the behalf of Christ, not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for his sake” (Philippians 1:29). “Yea, and all that will live godly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution” (II Timothy 3:12).

“If we suffer, we shall also reign with him” (II Timothy 2:12).

As a follower of Christ, you can rejoice in suffering because of the good work God intends to accomplish through it. When offenses usher you into the classroom of trials and tribulations, you have an opportunity to grow in maturity and be filled with a greater understanding of God’s love.

“We glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; and patience, experience; and experience, hope: and hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us” (Romans 5:3–5).

“My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing” (James 1:2–5).

FORGIVING ATTITUDE

A forgiving attitude toward someone doesn’t mean that the action the other person did was right. You’re forgiving the person, not the action. Forgiveness benefits you more than the other person. You’re learning to let go of the corrosive negative emotions that you’re walking around with.

How can I develop my attitude toward forgiveness?

As you read through these steps, think about how you might adapt them to your own life.

(1) Know what forgiveness is and why it matters. …

(2) Become “forgivingly fit”.

(3) Address your inner pain.

(4) Develop a forgiving mind through empathy.

(5) Find meaning in your suffering.

(6) When forgiveness is hard, call upon other strengths.

You need these two ingredients to solve marital or relationship conflict

The offended person must be willing to open up and share in love rather than nag, shout or bury things in mind.

What is a forgiving person?

Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness. … Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing offenses.

Finally,

The other party must be willing to accept fault and apologize.

“I AM SORRY.”

Or

“MY APOLOGY”.

How to Apologize for a Negative Attitude to Rebuild Relationship.

Now that you’re in the hot seat in your marriage, it may strike you as odd that you often hear that “everyone makes mistakes” but you hardly ever hear “everyone knows how to apologize.” The two go hand-in-hand –or at least, they ought to, if you want to take the first step in rebuilding a relationship. Apologizing for displaying a negative attitude in the Relationship is no small undertaking. You must muster courage, empathy and integrity to extend a four-pronged olive branch: accept responsibility,

show remorse for your words and actions,

make amends and give your partner time to air their frustrations. It’s some juggling act, but you can pull it off when you frame your apology carefully and then take steps to repair your fractured relationships.

Recognize the Value of an Apology.

Looking back, your parents may have introduced you to the importance of being accountable by prompting you to say you were sorry as a child – maybe even when you didn’t quite understand what you did wrong.

But meaningful apologies are the undisputed terrain of adults, who hopefully have acquired the sensibility to understand that their words or actions have affected someone else. In this way, “the art of the apology” is a learned skill, and it’s an important one for two reasons.

Assuming that it’s sincere, an apology represents:

Proof of remorse.

Acknowledgment that someone else has been wounded – a realization children hone as they mature.

Despite the influence of maturity, you may know people who never apologize, even when they should, and people who say they’re sorry compulsively – almost as a reflexive response to an uncomfortable situation. Neither tact strikes the right chord, and neither usually does much to ease hurt feelings, re-establish trust and rebuild relations.

Even with the stakes this high, apologies can be difficult to extend. But when it comes to relationship dust-ups, not apologizing could make matters even worse. Perhaps this is why even mature adults send (or consider sending) “sorry for my mistake” messages via email or text. The desire to avoid a face-to-face confrontation can run deep. And it’s true that you really won’t know how the other person (or people) will respond to an apology until the words spill out of your mouth.

While written forms of apology are probably better than no apology at all, a face-to-face mea culpa is one way that adults can “own” a mistake. In this sense of the word, ownership can free you from the guilt you may feel for displaying a negative attitude and communicate to your partner that you care enough about him/her that you are taking the time to broach a touchy topic. It’s a peaceful step toward reconciliation – all because you recognize the value of an apology.

Create an Apology Backdrop.

Of course, there’s more to an apology than choking out two small but substantial words (“I’m sorry”). Biospace suggests forming an apology against an informed backdrop that includes:

Putting yourself in the other person’s position.

This thought process will help you with the next step, too. But for now, it’s helpful to know how you would feel if the situation were reversed.

Invoking the word “I” – the best way to own bad behavior. In other words, it’s better to say, “I am very sorry for my attitude,” than, “An attitude was displayed that didn’t help our relationship.”

Relegating excuses to the childhood heap of memories:

“I’m sorry, but I couldn’t help…” Tagging a “but” onto an apology undercuts its sincerity.

Adding conditions to that heap. Saying “I’m sorry if you took offense…” or “I’m sorry if you took something I said the wrong way…” implies that you really don’t see the error in your ways.

Forgoing a rambling discourse. Understandably, nervousness causes some people to chatter. But apologies are best received when they’re short and direct rather than long and obtuse.

Eye contact can be a powerful apology companion, too. In fact, steeling yourself to look someone directly in the eye – not at their shoe or your surroundings – could mean more to your partner than your actual “sorry.” Eye contact can also help fill those awkward silences that apologies have a way of spawning. If a picture is worth a thousand words, then certainly a look of genuine concern can speak volumes – even if the “right” words happen to elude you at a critical moment in the conversation.

Craft an Apology for the Ages.

Many people find it helpful to write an apology beforehand – not to deliver it word for word, but to help them clarify their thoughts. This may be a particularly smart move if your apology will include someone, who almost certainly will be observing how you put this episode to rest.

So working from your sensible backdrop, scribble an apology that:

Terms with sincerity. Instead of searching the internet for sorry quotes, you should write from the heart. It shouldn’t sound forced – it should sound like you – but the tone should be solemn.

Accepts full responsibility: “I am very sorry for displaying a negative attitude during our planning sessions.”

Provides a rationale without making an excuse:

Validates the other person’s feelings (or what you perceive his feelings to be): “I can totally understand where you probably came to dread my presence at those meetings. Nobody likes being around someone with a negative attitude; it’s counterproductive. I hope you can forgive me.”

Shows that you’ve been humbled by and have learned from the experience: “I have since communicated my concerns on this. I should have done this in the first place.

Asks what you can do to make amends. Whether you have 100 ideas or none at all, give the other person a chance to speak first. Like many people in an awkward spot, he may joke: “How ‘bout buying me lunch?” If the idea isn’t unreasonable, by all means: take the suggestion to show your good faith.

Express your wish to move on from this episode, but cede the floor to questions or comments first. Listening politely while the other person has his say is like laying the floor on the foundation of your newfound relationship.

Cover Your Bases.

Once you’ve gone through these steps, a few realizations may dawn on you:

You feel better already – maybe not fully absolved, but better.

Extending a heartfelt apology can be fraught with challenges, and you’ve conquered them all. (It’s worth a pat on the back.)

Now, by and large, it’s up to the other person to be gracious and show forgiveness.

Make a concerted effort to be on your best behavior for a while. It’s impossible to say how long this “honeymoon period” should last. So be sensitive to the signals, knowing that if you turn right around and display a negative attitude again, any goodwill you’ve acquired may be lost for good.

Extend a grand gesture, if you can pull it off with deft, skill or humor.

For example, buying your partner lunch or the first round of drinks sounds like a fitting “penance” – and one that will encourage everyone to talk and interrelate – precisely what your relationship needs.

Be patient. Relationships can be injured in a nanosecond, but it takes time for them to recover. One day, perhaps when you least expect it, you won’t feel so low that you’re tempted to slap an “I’m sorry for my lousy attitude” sign on your back and parade through the workplace. You can relax and just be. And work. And enjoy your partner, knowing that you’ve finally succeeded in putting a painful episode in the rear-view mirror

Be humble and don’t find it difficult to apologize.